Erin's Blog

Link/Tip of the day:

Software firewalls are snake oil. Not only that, they can cause security vulnerabilities.

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More boring stuff about my life....


Today was OK.

Woke up to a phone call from Gannett. I used to work for USA TODAY, which is a division of Gannett. The Gannett headquarters and USA TODAY share the same building, Gannett is in one wing of the building, USA TODAY in the other. Gannett had been given my resume from a good friend of mine at USA TODAY. I noticed on their website there were a few IT positions that I was qualified for, so I asked my friend to hand deliver a copy for me. Apparently, they were impressed enough to interview me on the phone. The lady I talked to was from HR, and she said she would talk to the person in charge of the group that was hiring and get back to me next week. Nice.

After that, I watched Starting Over with Mel (yes, we are both addicts!). Had a yogurt for breakfast.

Surfed.

Rachel and David came over to help Mel finish the office nee bedroom. I took a shower.

Got out of the shower, dressed, surfed some more.

Mel, Rachel and David all went out to pick up Mel's furniture for her room, and to get some lunch. I had to ask Mel if I was on my own for lunch or what. I was on my own.

They came back a while later. I helped them unload the van that was full of furniture.

Surfed some more.

Mel went out to return the van to her mom.

C called, and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said sure, and she said she was on her way. :-)

Mel called and asked if I wanted them to pick me up some dinner from Sonic. Sure. They brought me some food. That was nice. I was sure to thank them.

After I finished, C came. We went out to Cracker Barrel, where I just sat and talked with her while she ate. She's a great person. I told her of my possible job in DC and she got very excited for me. I told her that I'd miss her, and she said if I could find her a job there, that she would move with me and we could be roommates! I was surprised. I didn't quite expect that response, but it made me happy to know that I have made a difference in her life as well.

Got home and had a Talk(tm) with Mel. I told her that I felt like I wasn't being treated very well emotionally. I feel that she and her mom basically ignore me. I told her as much. She told me that they were providing a roof over my head and food, and that I should be grateful for that. I told her I was, but I still felt like I wasn't being treated as a member of the family. Things ended on a bad note, and I came out to the living room to surf.

Here I am now, writing this blog entry.

G'night.

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Software firewalls are snake oil. Not only that, they can cause security vulnerabilities.

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More boring stuff about my life....


Today was OK.

Woke up to a phone call from Gannett. I used to work for USA TODAY, which is a division of Gannett. The Gannett headquarters and USA TODAY share the same building, Gannett is in one wing of the building, USA TODAY in the other. Gannett had been given my resume from a good friend of mine at USA TODAY. I noticed on their website there were a few IT positions that I was qualified for, so I asked my friend to hand deliver a copy for me. Apparently, they were impressed enough to interview me on the phone. The lady I talked to was from HR, and she said she would talk to the person in charge of the group that was hiring and get back to me next week. Nice.

After that, I watched Starting Over with Mel (yes, we are both addicts!). Had a yogurt for breakfast.

Surfed.

Rachel and David came over to help Mel finish the office nee bedroom. I took a shower.

Got out of the shower, dressed, surfed some more.

Mel, Rachel and David all went out to pick up Mel's furniture for her room, and to get some lunch. I had to ask Mel if I was on my own for lunch or what. I was on my own.

They came back a while later. I helped them unload the van that was full of furniture.

Surfed some more.

Mel went out to return the van to her mom.

C called, and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said sure, and she said she was on her way. :-)

Mel called and asked if I wanted them to pick me up some dinner from Sonic. Sure. They brought me some food. That was nice. I was sure to thank them.

After I finished, C came. We went out to Cracker Barrel, where I just sat and talked with her while she ate. She's a great person. I told her of my possible job in DC and she got very excited for me. I told her that I'd miss her, and she said if I could find her a job there, that she would move with me and we could be roommates! I was surprised. I didn't quite expect that response, but it made me happy to know that I have made a difference in her life as well.

Got home and had a Talk(tm) with Mel. I told her that I felt like I wasn't being treated very well emotionally. I feel that she and her mom basically ignore me. I told her as much. She told me that they were providing a roof over my head and food, and that I should be grateful for that. I told her I was, but I still felt like I wasn't being treated as a member of the family. Things ended on a bad note, and I came out to the living room to surf.

Here I am now, writing this blog entry.

G'night.

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

QuackWatch is a compendium of medical quackery and bogus therapy. It's a great resource on various forms of frauds.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was OK.

Woke up to Melissa and Rachel coming in the bedroom and making a lot of noise. I asked if they could do what they were doing elsewhere. They left, I got up to pee and Mel came right back in and got on her computer.

I peed, then watched Starting Over. Surfed. I repaired the bra that I wore yesterday -- one of the underwires kept coming out of the bra and poking me in the side, so I sewed it up.

Made some clam chowder for lunch.

Surfed some more.

I rebuilt the iBook, again. This time, I didn't do the 10.3.3 update. I just took it 10.3.2 with all of the security updates, and then installed all of the various software that I use. I built it without any version of Mac OS 9, so now I don't have the ablility to run any "Classic" applications. This should be interesting. I still have a 9.2.2 system folder on my desktop G4, so if I _need_ to run anything, I can. I haven't used Classic in a while though.

Put dinner in the oven -- mmm... Lasagna. Ate dinner, went to the GIC meeting.

The meeting was nice. Tonight's meeting was for transsexuals. I met a few new people and saw a lot of familiar faces. C didn't show up, but she had told me last night she probably wouldn't be there because of her schedule.

Came home and Mel was still up, surfing in the bedroom.

I checked my e-mail, surfed a bit and am now going to bed. :-)

G'night.

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

The Room tells you about yourself, based on what you tell it you visualize.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was OK.

Woke up, watched Starting Over. I checked my e-mail and surfed.

Made a Totino's pizza for lunch.

I rebuilt my iBook -- a fresh install of 10.3 and then the 10.3.3 update seems to incapacitate it. It boots, albeit painfully slow. Then, the trackpad and keyboard don't seem to work. WTF? I will re-do it all again tomorrow to see if it is some setting or something I triggered.

I made a Lean Cuisine for dinner. It was the last one in the freezer.

After dinner, I changed my top and went to the GIC meeting. Tonight only a few people were there. C joined us during our break.

After the meeting, we hung out and talked some more.

Got home around midnight.

So, I'm writing this entry now.

G'night.

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Remember that cartoon from the '80s, GI Joe? Well, remember at the end of the show, there was always a little segment teaching kids to do the right thing? eBaum remembers.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice.

Woke up around 11am. Mel and Bonnie went to church early in the morning. Surfed a bit, made some lunch. Took a shower. Was in the shower when they got home from church. Mel came right in the bathroom while I was still in the shower and dropped the chalupa. I even commented that it was a great way to say hi!

After that, I got dressed. Gave Mel and Bonnie all of my dirty clothes, collected the unused hangers from the closet and brought them downstairs.

C called, and said she forgot to get the CDs I'd made for her. I asked where she was, and she said she was at a friend's house helping with her kitchen re-model. I volunteered to help, too. I printed up some MapQuest directions and headed out.

I got to our friend's place, and C and another person were there helping out. I ended up putting some hinges on some cabinet doors.

Afterwards, C and I went to a nearby Mexican joint called Benny's and had some dinner. Good food, even though they botched my order -- they gave me a chicken chimichanga instead of the shredded beef one I'd asked for. Had some more guacamole there, too. I love guacamole....

Afterwards, because Benny's didn't allow smoking, we went to Denny's and had coffee and a few cigarettes. The service was AWFUL, and we actually walked out without paying for the coffee. That's the first time I'd ever done anything like that....

C and I parted ways, and I came home. Mel was still up and watching TV in the living room. I was trying to talk to her, but she just nodded her head and grunted. When she got up to go downstairs to bed, she didn't even say good night. I said good night to her, and only then she responded. Weird.

I'm surfing a bit and figured I'd write this entry now.

G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

The newest hip-hop sensation, Slo-Mo!

If you liked that, check out pop artist Wing.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice. It was a bit chillier today than it has been for the past week or so.

Woke up, burned some CDs for my friend C.

Spent all morning finishing cleaning up the office. Put all of my computer equipment out in the living room. It took a while to dust everything, set it all up and plug it all back in again.

Just as I finished, I downloaded WinXP SP2 RC1, all 273MB of it. I had to uninstall SP2 beta, but that all worked out fine.

After the SP2 install, I went to Chipotle to get some lunch. See, the other night my friend C had gone to a Mexican joint and was eating guacamole and chips in front of me. After smelling the guacamole, I just _had_ to get some. It took me two days to do it, but now the craving is satisfied. :-)

After lunch, I showered and got dressed for the GIC meeting. Then I went to the GIC meeting. Tonight was an "open social" so we had all types of people there. It was a great meeting -- met some new people and had a good time.

Afterwards, C and I went out to Applebee's. Good food. Even better company.

I just got home. As I walked in the door, Sarah came upstairs to go out to smoke. I forgot she stays here Sat. nights so she can go to church with Bonnie and Mel early in the morning.

Oh well, I'm tired. G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Stunted

Ever want to be lit on fire? With a firecracker?

Here are some more people doing crazy stunts. I guess these guys are rejects for MTV's Jackass...


Note: Windows Media Player is required to view the above videos. If you don't have it, you can get it here:

| Mac (OS 8.1 - 9) | Mac (OSX) | PC (Win 98, Me & 2000) | PC (Win XP) |

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice.

I woke up to two phone calls -- one from RTD and another from the Northglenn police department.

The RTD call was my HR rep telling me she forgot to have me sign a release form. She e-mailed me a copy, I printed it, signed it and mailed it to her.

The Northglenn police call was regarding my fingerprint appointment. I had scheduled an appointment for 1:30pm. They asked if I could come in "anytime before 11:30am." I agreed.

I took a shower. Got out of the shower just in time to watch Starting Over with Mel. After Starting Over, went to the police station for my fingerprint appointment.

The fingerprinting was actually very neat -- they used a machine, much like a computer scanner. They rolled my finger over the scanner as it moved from one side to the other, this way they got my entire fingerprint. I had them print two copies -- one for the FBI and one for the CBI. I took the one to the CBI as the directions said I need to hand deliver it, or have a courier do it. The FBI one was sent when the mailman picked it up in our mailbox in front of the house.

Mel and I did some cleaning. Mel did the kitchen, I worked on the office some more.

Mel went out swimming with her family around 5:30pm. I surfed a bit, then left for the GIC meeting.

The meeting was very short -- only 15 minutes! The guest speaker bailed on us, so we all went to a bar called BJ's Carousel. It is a GBLT friendly place, and they were having a show to benefit a group called Rainbow Alley. It was fun -- I'd never been to anything quite like that before.

Afterwards, C (yes, the same C as from before) and I went to Denny's. We got some dinner, and had a great conversation. Bizarrely, as we were about to leave, one of C's friends walks up to us and starts chatting. She turned out to be a nice lady, too.

After our chat, we parted ways and went home. C reminded me to make her some CDs I promised I'd make for her. I'll give them to her tomorrow night at the GIC meeting. :-)

That's about it! G'night.

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Jesus Christ: carpenter, teacher, fisherman, healer, savior . . . webmaster?

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice -- woke up early, took shower, got dressed. Ate a yogurt. Went to RTD to fill out paperwork. Arrived 20 mins early. Sat in "atrium" until Monica showed up. Filled out paperwork allowing past employers to reveal my past work history. Received paperwork to go take physical and drug screen.

Got home, changed clothes. Went out to take physical and drug screen. On the way home, stopped at Subway and picked up lunch for Mel and myself.

Mel went to meet with a divorce attorney. While she was out I made a pot of tea and removed more stuff from the office.

When she got home, I surfed a bit to rest.

Mel went out to meet Bonnie to go shopping. I went out to get some dinner. After eating, came home and surfed some more.

Mel just went to bed. I'm tired too, so I'm checking out.

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Hmmm... Eye boobies? Turn the switch a few times and you'll see for yourself....

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was AWESOME!

I woke up, watched Starting Over. Took a shower, surfed.

The kids horsing around kind of bugged me.

They picked up some lunch from Toxic Smell.

They took the dining room table downstairs so I could clear out the office. They want me to clear out the office so Mel can move into it.

I started moving stuff out to the living room.

I got a call from RTD asking me to come work for them! I have to show up there tomorrow at 9am. Woohoo! A job!

We went out to dinner to Boston Market. Afterwards, Mel, her mom and Sarah went to the church, I went home.

I moved some more stuff from the office. They got home, and I took Sarah and their laundry back to their apartment.

I am now writing this blog entry! :-)

G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Just because you're blind doesn't mean you can't be a movie critic!

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was OK.

Woke up at 5am. Showered, got dressed. See, my friend C was supposed to come over so we could drop off her car at the shop. She didn't show up by 7:30am, so I went back to bed.

Slept until 10am when Starting Over came on. Watched Starting Over. Ate a Lean Cuisine for lunch. Applied some makeup and went to my interview with RTD.

The interview was scheduled at 2pm. I parked a few blocks away at 1:15pm. They had mentioned that if you were late for the interview, you wouldn't be considered for the position, and would have to re-apply after a 90-day waiting period. I didn't want that to happen. I put an hour and 45 mins worth of change into the meter, and walked the few blocks to the RTD building. I waited on the bench outside until 1:40pm.

I went in, talked to the receptionist and went through security. They asked me to wait in a small waiting area right next to security. As I was waiting, I read a handout that the receptionist gave me about the job. Four times. Monica didn't come out to greet me until almost 2:30pm. I warned her that I would run out of meter time, and she was very accommodating.

The interview went very well. I met Monica, a HR representative that I had seen briefly in the classroom the previous day. Also, an operations supervisor was there for the interview as well. Her name was Maria.

They asked me some basic questions about safety, about times I have had to deal with upset customers, etc. She said that they would call me tomorrow afternoon to talk about a job offer.

After the interview, I got home and changed out of my nice clothes. My new shoes gave me blisters on both of my pinky toes. Ouch. I cleaned them up and applied band-aids and antiseptic.

I changed into more comfortable clothes and surfed until around 6:15pm. I went to the GIC meeting. We had a bunch of people there -- 16 total, including C. I told her of the big stink that Mel and Bonnie had made about her being there the other night. C offered to call and talk to them, but eventually we agreed that the call would probably just make things worse.

After the meeting, I went home and talked to Mel about it. She basically said that it was OK for me to have friends, but in the future for us to visit elsewhere.

I checked e-mail and am going to bed.

G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

What do iodine experiments and the Greek alphabet have to do with each other? Ask Ed Wegman.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Well, I am writing this early (around 3pm local time) because there are some things I wish to write about.

Last night, Melissa didn't come to bed. At all. I tossed and turned all night because I was worried about her. This particularly sucked, because at 8am this morning I needed to be at RTD, downtown in Denver for a pre-hire test session.

I woke up at 6am. I probably only got an hour of sleep, all of it not very productive as it was constantly interrupted. No sir, no REM sleep for me. I showered, dressed (in boy clothes, eeewww...), grabbed a yogurt and left. I ate the yogurt in the car on the way to RTD.

I'd never been to this RTD facility before, but in the letter they sent saying that I was "qualified" they included decent directions and even a map on where to park.

I arrived about 30 minutes early. Only two other people were there, waiting. A total of 17 were there by the time the tests started.

I took three tests. The first was a written test regarding maps and directions. The second two were video tests where we watched situations on-screen, and answered what we would do in that situation.

The first test weeded out two people. The second and third tests were graded at the same time, but about 5 people were asked to leave. That left 10 of us in the room. We all made interview appointments with the recruiter, and left. My appointment is for 2pm tomorrow. :-)

When I got home, Mel and I had another Talk(tm). I asked her why she didn't come to bed last night. Basically, it is because she was pissed that I spent all day with C yesterday. Whatever. I told her that C and I are just friends, which is true. She didn't believe me.

In any case, I will probably add more to this entry later tonight.

_erin

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Update:

After this, nothing much happened. I surfed some more. Mel and Bonnie and the rest of the group went out to dinner for Bonnie's birthday. Of course, nobody asked if I'd like to come. Whatever.

After they left I made a Lean Cuisine and went to another GIC meeting.

Got home around 11:30pm. Mel was still up and on the computer in our room. I fell asleep while she was there, typing away.

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Do you need a new identity? Even for a little while? Check out the Identiswap Database.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was a great day for me.

I woke up, showered. Surfed a bit. A friend of mine from the GIC came over, I will call her "C." for the remainder of the entry, until I get permission from her to use her real name.

C came over and we wanted to replace her brake pads on the front of her car. We went to AutoZone and picked up the pads for $21 and change. She said the dealer was going to charge her a lot more. I took off the wheel and realized that I didn't have the tools I need to take apart her brakes. We called a friend of ours that does auto work and made an appointment to drop her car off on Tuesday. He will do it very cheaply for her, too. Nice.

After that, I noticed that one of her fog lights and one of her brake lights were out. We went back to AutoZone to buy the bulbs. They only had the taillight bulbs. Oh well, at least she won't get pulled over for a blown brake light.

After picking up the bulbs, she took me out for lunch at a local Mexican joint that was cheap and pretty good for the money. She asked what I was doing the rest of the day, and since I had no plans, we hung out and watched movies at our house until pretty late at night.

Melissa and her family were gone all day -- they didn't get home until after 9pm. When they got home, C and I were on the couch watching movies. When the movie ended around 11pm, C went home. I went to check e-mail and am now writing this entry. :-)

Good night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

If you are a cheapskate like me and want to find the cheapest price for an item online, there are several sites that you can visit to comparison shop.

If you don't want any specific thing, but have some money burning a hole in your pocket, there are even more sites that list good deals and coupons.

If you are looking for computer memory or flash memory cards (for digital cameras, MP3 players, etc.) DealRam is a great site, listing prices including shipping to your door.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice. It was BEAUTIFUL out. We had the windows open and the fans blowing to circulate fresh air throughout the house.

Our neighbors had a yard sale.

I picked up some lunch from McDonald's today, and the nice lady at the window asked me if my car was my husband's car! :-)

Surfed a bit. Worked on my brother's font. Worked on a flyer advertising my photo services. I decided that color would cost too much, so I fixed the pictures to look better in black and white, and then printed 25 on my laser printer here at home. They came out pretty nice.

After the computer work, I went to the Saturday Social at the GIC. Met two new girls, and we played a game with marbles called "Aggravation." Never heard of it before, but it is very similar to "Sorry!" if you've ever played that.

Got home and made some dinner. Mmm... Lean Cuisine. Checked e-mail, and am now writing this entry. :-)

G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

SpamCop is a free service to report the spam that you receive. Reporting spammers helps get their accounts terminated, and sometimes they even get charged "cleanup fees" by their ISP. If you Just Hit Delete (or, "JHD"), you do nothing to stop the spammers and the spam flow to your inbox. Sign up for SpamCop for FREE here.

For more interesting reading on spam and how to prevent it, be sure to check out the usenet newsgroup news.admin.net-abuse.email. This newsgroup is where e-mail administrators (the people that run your mail server) talk about spam, spammers and how to reduce/eliminate spam. If you decide to post on that newsgroup, be sure to read their FAQ, first.


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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice.

Mel and I woke up, watched Starting Over. Ate lunch. Took pictures of me, because yesterday was my 7-month anniversary for starting hormones.

We went out shopping for Mel's mom's birthday present. Ended up buying her some pens and making her "cornflake bars" which are her favorite dessert.

I went to a GIC meeting. It was a slow night tonight. Only 5 people there including me.

After the meeting, went out to dinner with one of the girls from the meeting. She was very nice and we had a great time.

Got home shortly before midnight. Checked e-mail. Now I'm writing this entry.

G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Forgetting the Good Old Days, hunkered over the Apple //e down in the basement running up long-distance charges on your parents' phone bill? Experience it again, right down to the phosphorescent green glow!

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was hard for me. I cried a lot. I cried so much my eyelids are chapped from all the tears and rubbing.

Mel asked to separate. We haven't made any plans as to when/how etc., but I am sure things will be worked out soon.

We woke up, watched Starting Over. Yup, we're addicts. Ate some breakfast.

Had our talk about separation.

Mel left to meet her mom for lunch. She brought me back Arby's for lunch.

We chatted some more.

I got ready for a "book meeting" at a friend from the GIC's house. It was actually a lot of fun. I got outta there around 12:45am, got home around 1:15am. Everything here was dead. Mel was asleep, lights were out.

I checked my e-mail, and am now writing this.

Good night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

A blessing in the skies.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was GREAT.

Woke up, watched Starting Over with Mel. Took a shower and got dressed... as me! :-) Mel and I had a talk last night after my blog entry and I asked if I could start living full-time at home. She said yes! So, today I felt GREAT.

David came over and painted his hood on his car, again. This time he used a tarp so he wouldn't leave a hood-shaped stencil on the lawn. I was dressed as me the whole time, and he didn't blink. I was impressed.

I made some steaks on the grill for lunch. Yummy.

Mel and I went out to the photo shop to drop off a roll of film. She wanted me to scan a picture for her that was on the roll, but it hadn't been developed yet. The guy at the camera store showed her how to rewind the roll even though it wasn't complete. Then we dropped it off for a one-hour developing.

On the way home, Mel stopped to get a carwash. As we were pulling out of the carwash, there was an accident that was blocking the intersection a block from us. It took a little while to get home.

We surfed a bit, then at 5:30 went back out to pick up the film.

Bonnie brought home some Wendy's for dinner. Good stuff.

We watched a little American Idol, then I went into the bedroom to watch Law & Order.

I actually fell asleep before I could write the blog entry, so I am writing it now, on Thursday morning. Luckily, there is a feature that allows me to back-date it. :-)

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Much to your disliking, your cat has probably coughed up a few hairballs. Now, you can make your own hairballs!

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was fun.

We woke up, watched Starting Over. I surfed a bit, applied for jobs online. Took a shower. Went to Kinko's to print a flyer advertising my photography services. Kinko's didn't have Acrobat 6, so they couldn't open my flyer. Oh well, it woulda been expensive anyway.

Got home, made some lunch. Mmmm... Totino's pizza.

After lunch, I surfed a bit more. Then Mel wanted to take a nap together. We napped. It was good.

After the nap, I started cleaning the kitchen while Mel took a shower. I got about 3/4 of the way through when Mel finished her shower. I made a Lean Cuisine for dinner. Then I got ready for the GIC meeting.

I had a good time at the meeting. Got to meet a few new people, including one girl who is trying to start her own support group for transsexual youth. Wow. I wish there was something like that when I was a kid! I offered her my help in any way I can. Hopefully, she'll take me up on the offer and I can help her get started.

Got home. Mel and I were hungry, so I made some Ravioli. Mel was craving coffee for some reason, so I made a pot of coffee for her. We ate, and are now back to surfing. I am getting tired, so I figured I'd better write this entry before I fell asleep. :-)

G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Where's George is a fun web site that tracks money all over the USA.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice. I woke up. Surfed. Watched Starting Over with Mel. Ate breakfast. Surfed. Ate lunch. Surfed. Made dinner on the grill. Mmmm... sesame ginger-marinated chicken. Mel and I went to the Gender Identity Center again. Tonight we met a new girl and her partner. After the meeting, we all went to a local Perkin's restaurant. We didn't leave until 1:30am. Got home around 2:15am. Surfed a bit more. Posting this blog entry now.

G'night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Skippy now has 213 things that he can't do in the US Army.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was nice.

We woke up, showered. Went to lunch at Chipotle. Yum. We then went to David's Bridal, where Rachel continued her wedding preparations. She and one of her bridesmaids tried on dresses. I was there to take pictures. 246 pictures and 594MB of data later, we left. They went to church, I went to Circuit City and CompUSA, which were conveniently next door to David's Bridal.

After a lot of drooling and no spending, I got home. I surfed until Mel and the family made it home from church. They ate while I was home and didn't call me to ask if I'd like to join them, so after they got home and told me they ate without me, I made some Hot Pockets for dinner. Yeah, I know, real healthy. :-)

I then surfed some more.

Now it is getting late and I am tired, so I think I will go to bed.

Good night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

World 66 is a cool site, where you, the internet reader, get to give travel information and advice.

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More boring stuff about my life....

Today was good.

I woke up before anyone else. Took a shower. Surfed a bit. Mel woke up. We discuss plans. Today, we are going cake-tasting and tux fitting with Rachel and her fiance.

I bring the camera, and after some hoopla about printing out MapQuest directions to the cake-tasting place, we hit the road.

The cake place is neat. This is where Mel and I did our cake for our wedding, about a year and a half ago.

After taking a lot of pictures and the soon-to-be-married couple partaking in many various cakes, we left to meet Bonnie for lunch. We ate at Subway. I had a great turkey bacon guacamole sub. Mmmmm....

After lunch we headed over to the mall to the formalwear shop. David and Rachel picked out the tuxes they want. They made good choices. The tux for David looks really sharp. I took a bunch of pictures at the tux place, too, even though they wouldn't let David try anything on. He has to make a "fitting" appointment, where they will order the tux in his size so he can try it on. I don't know when it will be, or if I'll be able to tag along and take pics.

After the mall, I came home and downloaded all of the pictures off of my camera. 206 pictures, 553MB worth of data. I burned the pics onto a CD for them.

After that, I showered and shaved, and got dressed for the Gender Identity Center meeting. I had a great time at the meeting. Tonight was "open social" so we could talk about anything. We had three authors there, who all read excerpts from their books. It was a lot of fun listening to some of the hilarious stories that other transsexuals have been through! They kept me there until about 1:45am. I got home around 2:15am.

When I got home, David, Rachel, Mel and Bonnie were all up and about. I thought that was kind of weird.

Oh well, I'm gonna get something to eat -- I haven't eaten since lunch!

Night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

eBay is indeed a fun and strange place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More boring stuff about my life....

Today was pretty nice.

We woke up and watched starting over together. We went out to McDonald's and picked up some lunch for Bonnie. We got home and made ourselves some lunch -- I made some Johnsonville cheddar brats. On the grill. Outside in the beautiful 65-degree weather. I made the whole package so I could just heat up the leftovers in the microwave. This turned out to be a Good Move(tm).

I surfed a bit, until around 6:15pm, Mel reminded me that we had our Gender Identity Center meeting to go to. I took a quick shower, shaved really closely, got dressed and headed out. Mel decided she was too tired to go.

I had a great time at the meeting. I met some new girls and we all seemed to get along great. There was a licensed social worker there, so we all got to "dump" on her the things that have been going on in our lives.

After the meeting, two girls and I hung around and chit-chatted. One of them left, and then the remaining girl and I actually hung around until almost 2am!

I got home around 2:40. David and Rachel's cars were in my spot, so I had to park across the street. When I came in, David was sleeping on the couch. I checked my e-mail, and then went to get some food (I hadn't eaten since lunch!). When I went back out David was awake. I think this is the first time he has seen me in girl-mode. I re-heated two of the brats and poured myself a glass of tea, and I'm here typing this, while gnawing on the brats....

Have a good night!

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

This girl is my idol!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More boring stuff about my life....

Today was OK.

Woke up, watched Starting Over with Mel. Rachel and Sarah came over. I swapped out an airbox into my car that should be good for a few hp.

Mel left with Sarah and Rachel to buy Rachel's wedding rings.

We ordered pizza for dinner. The pizza place messed up our order.

We watched CSI, and now I am ready for bed. :-)

::yawn::

_erin

Link/Tip of the day:

Here's how to calibrate your monitor for proper color display. This method is FREE and works well on both Macs and PCs, and is essential for proper color reproduction.

LCD panel owners need not apply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another cool link: Mobog. Mobog is a site where people send pictures from their camera-equipped mobile phones. It's interesting, because you see the most recent pictures on the first page. Pics come from around the world. Sometimes the users add captions, sometimes not. If you register there for free, you can add your own comments about others' pictures.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More boring stuff about my life....

Today was boring, honestly. Mel and I watched Starting Over. Afterwards, Mel went out with Rachel and Sarah to do some wedding shopping for Rachel. They didn't get home until almost 5pm.

While they were gone, I surfed pretty much all day.

Once they got home, Mel made some dinner. While she was making dinner, The Hunt for Red October was on TV. I watched the movie until dinner was served.

We ate dinner. I did the dishes. Now I'm watching Law & Order, sitting in the living room, surfing on my iBook.

Overall a boring day.

Good night!

_erin

Cool link of the day:

Being a Russian major and all, I thought this was a very cool link:

Tour of Chernobyl, Ukraine

Update 03-10-2004: Looks like the girl is re-doing the site. Argh. Here is a link to her main page:

Kidd of Speed

This is a link to a Ukrainian girl's website. She drives her motorcycle through the region where radiation poisoned pretty much everything. There are some eerie pictures as well as very interesting descriptions of the various places, buildings and abandoned vehicles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boring old me stuff:

Today went well. I didn't cry all day. :-)

I went to the DMV yesterday to get a copy of my driving record. For some reason, they call it a "Motor Vehicle Record" here in Colorado. I would think that a "Motor Vehicle Record" would be a record containing information about a motor vehicle. Am I crazy for thinking this is bizarre?

I took it to two different places today to apply for jobs. I applied first at People's Choice Transportation. They are the charter bus company that Mel and I used for our wedding. The company seemed really nice, and they aren't that far away from home. They beat out my previous employer in Portland as they actually do offer benefits and a health plan. Starting pay is $9.00/hr for training, and once past the 90-day probation period, it goes up to $10/hr. Not great, but good considering I don't have a job right now.

The second place I went was RTD, the Denver regional transit company. I drove transit buses back in college for 4 years. It was a fun job, but going in circles got old, quickly. They start you off at $13.98/hr, and their application packet didn't mention any benefits, though I imagine they exist as this is a union represented job.

So I am in a dilemma -- do I take the higher-paying job, and not really enjoy the circle-routes, or do I take the lower-paying job, that I will probably have a lot more fun doing?

After applying for jobs, I got home and took a shower. The weather here was beautiful -- it was almost 70 degrees today! I was actually hot and sweaty by the time I got home, even with using the A/C in the car.

I changed, made a quick meal (it wasn't really lunch, it wasn't really dinner) around 4:45pm.

Mel and I got ready and went to another Gender Identity Center meeting. It was fun. I got to meet even more transsexuals tonight. Looks like Tuesdays are the big TS night. Guess that makes sense considering Tuesday night is called "Transitions."

I want to get some recent pictures of me. The most recent pics I have are from 2001. Maybe Mel will help me take some tonight before bed?

Oh well, good night!

_erin

Just added some more recent pictures to the site. These were taken a little after midnight, so they are technically from March 10th.

Linky linky.

_erin

Car tip: if your car isn't getting optimum fuel mileage, feels sluggish, or sputters, here's a cheap, quick trick. Clean your MAF sensor.

A MAF is a Mass Air Flow sensor. It is what tells your car's computer how much air is coming into the engine, and also how thick that air is.

The MAF can get fouled over time with dust and other small particles that make it past your air filter.

Usually, the MAF is just after your air box, and is accessible from the top. There should be a wire harness attached to it, and the MAF itself is usually held in with two screws.

To clean it, you want to unlpug the harness, remove the two screws. Lift the MAF out of the airway slowly and carefully. Examine it. There are usually two very fine wires that look like a lightbulb filament that are strung over one (and sometimes two) posts. If one or both of the wires are broken, it is time for a new MAF. They should be under $100 at your local car dealer. The MAF is a critical part of your computer's system, so if one of the wires is broken, this could be the cause of your sputtering.

If the wires are intact, you will want to clean the MAF, specifically, those wires and the posts that hold them. You will need an electric contact cleaner that leaves no residue. Residue will foul the MAF and create more problems. I bought a can of residue-less electrical contact cleaner at Radio Shack for a little less than $5.

You want to thoroughly spray the MAF with the contact cleaner, and then allow it to dry for at least 15 minutes before re-assembling the MAF.

While the MAF is drying, you will need to reset your car's computer in order to take advantage of the newly cleaned MAF. Most cars will reset the computer if you remove the positive cable from your car battery for 15 minutes or so. If you know your car well, you could also remove the fuse to the computer -- it would have the same effect.

Once the MAF is dry, re-assemble the unit. Re-attach your positive (the red one) battery cable.

The computer will have to "re-learn" how to mix the air and fuel properly. In order to properly let your car re-learn how to do this, follow these steps:

Start your car and let it idle, with no accessories running, until it reaches normal operating temperature.

Then, turn on the A/C (if so equipped) and let the car idle for one minute.

Next, put the car in drive and keep your foot on the brake.

Finally, drive the car for at least 10 miles.

Congratulations, you've cleaned the MAF successfully, reset your car's computer, and hopefully alleviated your problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was a roller-coaster for me.

I got up and surfed a bit. Mel woke up and asked if I was going to apply for those bus driving jobs. I told her I was thinking of moving back to DC. This prompted a big discussion about moving, depression, etc. Basically, she said she "probably" would not move with me if I go to DC.

This made me cry. A lot.

Afterwards, I went to the motor vehicle office to get a copy of my driving record so I could apply at the bus driving jobs. I was surprised to see a ticket from December, 2001. See, I was driving my wife's (then fiancee's) car. She had neglected to update her car tax sticker (it is a long, complicated thing that Virginia does). I got the ticket for it. I specifically asked the officer if it would be on my driving record. She said that because it was not a moving violation, it would NOT be on my record. Riiiighht.

After that, Mel and I went grocery shopping. I was not enjoying it. Mel wasn't enjoying me not enjoying it.

We got home, and then realized that tonight was another Gender Identity Center meeting. We didn't have time for dinner, so we left.

The meeting went well. I met some transsexuals tonight, and we all got to talk about various things on our minds. One of them was still married, and she and Mel got to talk a bit in private after the meeting. Some nice gals gave me information on low-cost counseling, so I think I will pursue that option, at least until I get a job.

Tomorrow Mel has an interview first thing in the morning, and I am going to two bus companies here in the Denver area looking for a job.

Wish us luck!

_erin

OK, I have been surfing a friend's site for a while now, and he has an effin' cool blog. He always talks about something different, not just how his day went. Tonight, I will try a little of this myself.

~~~~~~~~~

A little Windows XP security primer:

It is a Bad Idea(tm) to be logged in as a user with admin privileges all the time.

This is how virii, spyware and adware can take over your computer.

You should only log in as an admin when you _need_ to do something that only an admin can do.

If you need to run a program as an admin, you can do that by right-clicking on an application's icon and choosing "Run as..." Just select the user that you want to run the program as, enter their password and then click OK. If your administrator account (or any account with admin privileges) doesn't have a password, set one NOW.

If you haven't already done so, download the Microsoft Baseline Security Analyzer from here.

Note to ALL Windows XP users: you should download and install this program. You should run it once a month on your PC, just like you should run a complete virus scan. It will suggest to you the things that you need to update or change in order to make your computer more secure.

Following these steps will help prevent spyware, adware and virii from getting on your computer, and they will help prevent hackers from exploiting your machine.

Sadly, many people out there on the internet that have broadband leave their computers on all the time without a hardware firewall (software firewalls are SNAKE OIL!) and without the latest security updates and virus definitions. These people become the victims of spammers who take over your computer and use it to send spam, hackers who use your computer for distributed denial of service (DDOS) attacks and other malicious activities.

Also, another good resource for tightening security and making Windows XP run a lot faster is Black Viper's Windows XP Service Configuration Page.


~~~~~~~~~

OK, now on to my day. :-)

Today was OK. It ended up a lot better than last night, that's for sure.

I woke up, took a shower. Surfed.

Mel woke up.

We made some brunch together. Rachel, Mel's youngest sister and her fiancee came over to talk about their wedding. While they were here, her fiancee decides to paint the hood of his 1989 Toyota Corolla black, I guess to make it look like a carbon fiber hood. See, he is a ricer. He already has "NOS" stickers on his car and he doesn't have any NOS products.

He and his buddy pull the hood off, and start spray painting it on our lawn. Genius. He even managed to get some pieces of grass stuck in the paint.

After the painting incident, Rachel left. Mel took a shower and went to church. I unpacked and put away some things that were still packed from the Minneapolis trip.

While surfing at home, Mel called and asked me to meet her for dinner at Ruby Tuesday. The dinner was nice. We ended up talking with Rachel about her wedding plans for most of the dinner.

After dinner, I come home. Mel takes more than an hour to make it back from the restaurant. Strangely, I thought we had left at the same time. She says she was talking with her mom, who also made it back a little after Mel did.

I chatted online a bit. A friend of mine blew her engine today. Yuck. That sucks. It is covered by warranty, but she won't have anything to drive in the meantime.

The people on the car boards are getting friendlier towards me and my "situation." There are even a few people that are really sticking up for me. If you guys are reading this, I appreciate it!

I am getting tired -- time for bed.

Good night!

_erin

Today was OK at first and steadily got worse.

This morning I dyed my hair. I dyed it for Mel, because she had a problem with the pink and I had agreed to compromise with her. I dyed it a shade called "purple haze" -- it was supposed to be black with purple highlights that show in the light. Instead, my hair looks like I dipped my head in grape Kool-Aid. Argh.

After showering, I called around trying to find the cheapest price for Wellbutrin. I called about 10 local pharmacies. The average price was around $90 for 30 pills. I found one place that had them for $75.19. The Dr. had given me a $10 off coupon, so in the end I got them for $65.19. Luckily, there is no tax on medication here in Colorado.

After I dropped off the prescription this morning, I picked up some doughnuts from Krispy Kreme for Mel and I to eat for brunch. When I got home, Mel was in the shower and said that her mom wanted to meet for lunch. So, we left the doughnuts and met Bonnie and three other people for lunch. The food was pretty good.

After lunch, we all went to Target together to just shop around. At first, I didn't want to go, but one of the things that my psychiatrist said to prevent depression was to socialize. So, I went. We all walked around, looking at all kinds of random things. Basically, if we saw a sale and needed it, we added it to the basket. I kind of hung out behind the rest of the bunch. I wasn't having fun. I was trying to use some of the techniques I learned in the hospital to cheer myself up, but they just weren't working.

After Target, in the parking lot, Bonnie asked Mel if we would go to Michael's (a craft store) with her. Without asking me, Mel said we would. I was thinking, "oh great, more fun." I think she noticed the perturbed look on my face, and then asked me if I wanted to go. I told her the truth -- I'd rather not. I then thanked her for asking me, because at first I thought she had just volunteered me to go with.

I went and picked up the prescription on the way home. While at the pharmacy, I picked up calcium supplements, too. When I got home, I dispensed all of my pills into one of those pill organizers that lays them out by weekday.

Mel and Bonnie got home a bit later. I was on the computer to check e-mail, surf, etc.

I surfed until about 8pm. Mel wanted to go grocery shopping. I said OK, but we probably shouldn't go while we are hungry. We made dinner. While preparing dinner, Mel noticed I wasn't looking too happy. It was over an e-mail she had sent me. In the e-mail, she basically said that she couldn't deal with me getting the "surgery."

We talked about it, and we both ended up crying a lot. Even on the Wellbutrin, I had some more suicidal thoughts. I told Mel, and she made me use my safety plan that I developed at the hospital. It was 9:20pm here when we called J and V at home. On the east coast where they are, it was 11:20pm. I felt very guilty about that.

V and I had a wonderful talk. It started in tears, and ended in both of us laughing quite a bit. There Ya Go(tm)! V is a truly awesome person, and I appreciate her being there for me.

I am exhausted -- physically and emotionally. I am going to bed.

Good night!

_erin

Today I got to come home.

I got up at 7am. I showered, and ate breakfast with Cara (with a "C!") and Kevin.

After breakfast, I talked with Kathleen, my social worker. She said that I would be leaving today. She setup a meeting with the psychiatrist for a final consult and to get the prescriptions.

I lent Lesley my electric razor. She took it back to her room, and at orientation meeting, she brought it back out and asked me how it worked. I guess her meds were a little strong, because it only has one button that turns it on and then off.

I then went to 9am group. Today it was Vernon talking more about the Wise Mind and how to use it. He focused on the "Hows" today. Last time he taught the class he concentrated more on the "Whats." It was actually informative.

At the 10am group, Vernon again presided. This was "process" group, where we could all talk about how we were feeling. Cara (with a C!) started a whole discussion about how she deals with schedules. Basically, she started out by bitching that the counselors always started the group sessions late and always ended them late. Vernon made us do some "role playing" where he had another member of our group act like Cara (with a C!) did when she started her complaint. It was actually pretty funny. Cara (with a C!) was even laughing so hard she was rolling on the floor.

After 10am group (which Vernon ended on-time, thanks to Cara with a C!'s bitching), I packed my things and made an appointment with Darla, the financial counselor. I hung around the group meeting room for the 11am meeting, but nobody showed. Not even the counselor. There wasn't even an announcement saying the meeting had been cancelled. Oh well.

Darla showed up, and I gave her the paperwork she requested. She said that she would get back to me in a few days. I then met with the psychiatrist. He told me about the Wellbutrin increase, and asked me to contact him if things weren't right. He also wished me luck. I was sure to thank him, and I also told him how wonderfully I was treated by all of the staff.

After meeting with the Dr., Tim and I hung out, both of us waiting to be picked up. I filled out all of my discharge paperwork, and then Tim and I started chatting again. The lunch trays came in, so we sat down and started eating when they paged me. Mel had arrived.

I gathered my things, and walked out the doors that I had entered 4 days previous. It felt good.

Mel and I walked through the hospital to get to her car. The hospital looked pretty nice. There was a nice smell in the lobby area. They even had a fireplace.

We got to the car and drove south. Mel wanted to give me her Valentine's present -- a meal at Chevy's Mexican restaurant. There is only one Chevy's in Colorado, and it wasn't too far from the hospital. We had a good lunch. I ate too much, but it was just soooo good.

After Chevy's, we went to Michael's craft store. We bought paints for the tile table being made by Melissa's family for her nephew.

After getting home, I hit the computer. I posted on the car boards that I was home, and started IMing my friends to let them know I made it home safely.

After checking e-mail, Mel and I went to a Gender Identity Center of Colorado meeting. I didn't know what to expect, but everyone there was friendly and willing to talk with us. We met a lot of great people there, and I think that Mel got to speak to and deal with some other significant others in a similar situation as her. I think it helped immensely. I thanked her for coming to the meeting with me repeatedly.

After the meeting, everyone went to a local Perkins' restaurant. They actually had a pretty long wait, so we ended up going down the street to Applebee's. They had immediate seating, so we all sat down, had some food and had a great time! I think Mel and I may have found a lot of new friends. :-)

We were both pretty exhausted after coming home. Mel is already asleep, but I wanted to document today's activities while they were still fresh in my mind.

OK, it is late. I am tired. I am home, and I am happy.

Night!

_erin

It's 6:15am. I got up around 5am, and couldn't get back to sleep. I went to bed early -- 9pm -- so maybe my body was just telling me to get up?

I went to the nurse's station to get a key to shower. They said to come back at 6:30. Argh. So, I'm up, have all of my shower stuff ready and I'm sitting in my room trying to kill time. When I got back to my room, I looked through a People magazine, returned all of the magazines that I'd read, and then brushed my teeth (this is something I usually do in the shower -- a habit I picked up from Mel). After doing all that, it was still only 6:15am, so I decided to sit down and write a bit.

Last night, before bed, I moved the mattress that was on the second bed in my room over to my bed. I put it underneath my mattress. The result was a much more comfortable bed -- I slept OK last night now that the bed is comfy and I have my room fan. The only problem with this setup (besides not having Mel around) is that they double-stack of mattresses creates a problem with the fitted sheet -- it keeps coming off the corners of the bed. I got up at least three times in the night to fix the sheets. See, the mattresses are vinyl covered, and when your body lays on top of vinyl, it tends to stick. Imagine sitting on a vinyl car seat when you're wearing shorts in the summer. Now imagine the whole side of your body sticking to the mattress like that. Not fun.

~~~~~

I just went to all of my morning group meetings. The first talked about joy, and then things that make us happy. The second was a "process" group where we get to talk about how we're feeling and ask any questions or make any complaints about our care. This morning was pretty hard for a few people today -- there was a lot of crying. The 11:00 meeting was again "Safety Group" where we created a safety plan. I did this group yesterday, but figured I could at least watch it again to reinforce the ideas. I'm glad I stayed in -- I learned that we need to turn our safety plans in to our counselors before we can be discharged. This is something our teacher neglected to mention yesterday.

After safety group, it was lunch time. Lunch was good. They have gotten my menu requests and seem to be following them well.

After lunch, I talked with my counselor today -- LouAnn. I didn't know who she was, so I had another counselor to point her out. I talked a bit about my past, about what put me here, and how I was feeling today. She seemed like a nice person, and wished me well on my journey.

After talking with LouAnn, I went to a creative group where we could draw, paint, listen to music or do any other crafts. I started by using charcoal and a drawing pad. I wasn't happy with what I was doing, so I scrapped it in the middle of drawing it. I ended up drawing type -- block letters of my own, unique design. I spelled the word "SANCTUARY." I don't know why I picked that word -- I just found it in an Oprah magazine (in an ad for pillows) and decided to draw it.

After creative group, I met with my psychiatrist. He told me he'd be increasing my dose of Wellbutrin to 150 mgs, and that I will likely be discharged tomorrow afternoon. He also seemed quite encouraged that Mel and I are working things out. He also agreed that we should continue to seek counseling together to help our marriage.

I called D today and left a message for her to let her know I'm feeling better and that Mel has allowed me to come home. I also let her know that Mel was updating my blog for me.

I just talked to Darla -- my financial counselor here at the hospital. Mel is bringing some documents that Darla needs tonight, so I made an arrangement to meet with Darla to give her copies tomorrow before I get released.

I had another talk with Ivy. She's a very cool lady, I must say. We talked about me going home, and what things will be like after getting home. She seemed encouraged that I was happy and have high hopes of things to come.

After meeting with Ivy, visiting hours fell upon us. I was summoned when Mel arrived. We talked, hugged and said hi as the dinner trays came in. I grabbed my tray and we went to my room to chat. And chat we did. We had a _great_ conversation together. We talked about communication, love, life, jobs, money.... You name it, we probably hit on it. Did I ever mention that I love that woman?!

After visiting hours were over, we had a group meeting with Ivy. We all got to talk about how to stay out of the hospital after our discharge. We had a pretty informative meeting -- we basically shared ideas on what would keep us out of the hospital. I think that I need to socialize more -- find friends in this area, talk to friends from home and in other parts of the country. I guess our calling card is really going to get a workout.

After group, I took my meds. At night I'm still only taking my hormones, in the morning I will be taking the hormones and the new dose of Wellbutrin. The doc said if I have any adverse effects, to call him to reduce the dosage.

After meds, I talked with Tim, a patient here that I've become good friends with. He's a little older than me and is a mechanical engineer. We've both related stories of college, of growing up, etc. We have similar hobbies when it comes to photography, as well.

After a nice chat with Tim, I went to watch some TV. It was 10pm, so the news was just coming on. I haven't seen TV or the news since I got here. It was interesting to see what's going on in the "outside world." Doesn't seem to have changed much in the few days I've missed it.

While watching the news, another counselor, Scot, sat down and we started to chat. We talked a little about Portland, the weather here (the news was talking about the snow that was falling as we were watching TV), and books. There is a small library here and Scot opened it for me. I looked through a bunch of books but didn't find anything really interesting.

It's now almost lights-out here (11pm), so I just wanted to finish up my day of journaling. Mel forgot to take the pre-5pm blog with her, so I will just have to type it in all myself tomorrow.

Night! :-)

_erin

March 3rd, 2003. Part II.

Well, after my first few pages (see below entry), a lot has happened. I am much more relieved about the housing situation. After my brief nap (I never really fell asleep) Mel came to visit. Our visit went well. Very well.

Melissa wrote me a letter. A four-page handwritten letter -- about how she feels. After reading the letter in front of her (and much crying from both of us) we had a Talk(tm). Talks(tm) are indeed a Good Thing(tm), and as part of our Talk(tm), we agreed to have more Talks(tm) regularly. [wow, that was a lot of (tm)s!]

Also, we determined that we both love one another deeply -- so deeply that we both cry ourselves to sleep when apart from each other. We talked about coming home -- which we decided would be a Good Thing(tm). ::yay!:: I think the fear of not having a place to live was one of my biggest problems. It, along with the fact that my wife rejected me were the reasons for my suicide attempt. But... during our Talk(tm), Mel disclosed that she _wasn't_ rejecting me.

So, now that the two things that I thought were happening, aren't. I am much happier about the whole situation. Mel has agreed to go to counseling with me. This is a HUGE step in the right direction for us, I know.

While Mel was here, V and J called again. I love those guys -- they know just how to cheer me up -- even with just words. If you're reading this -- thanks guys! You really _do_ make a difference in my dreary days here.

After Mel left and I hung up with V and J, we had a group meeting unlike any I've been to so far. We all played "balloon volleyball." It was fun -- everybody got involved and it took our minds off of our problems, at least for 30 minutes or so. At first I was thinking it would be stupid and silly, but I actually laughed for the first time since I've been here.

After the volleyball, we had a "wrap-up" group meeting where everyone gave an update on how their day was. When it came around to me and I told everyone that my wife had accepted me back home, everyone actually clapped for me. I started to cry. :-)

After the wrap-up meeting, I talked with the night shift counselor, Ivy. She is a great person and is a lot of fun to talk to. I told her that, and she seemed happy. :-) We talked about my going home, my depression and about my & Mel's future. I think it helped put a perspective on things, and helped me realize just how productive my stay has been so far.

Now it's 9pm and I am pretty tired. I think I will go to bed soon so I can get up early to take a shower, so I am clean and perky before breakfast.

Goodnight! :-)

Geesh, I can't stop crying.

Last night after my last entry, I got a phone call from my good friends in VA -- V and J. I have talked about them in my blog previously, and they like to post on my chat page.

My talk with them was very encouraging. V said that there was a job opening up in their local community college that I could handle with ease. I hope I can get it. But I keep wondering if I will be able to get out there.

While on the phone with V and J, someone poked me in the shoulder. I turned around and saw it was my wife with her mother. I smiled. It reminded me of the time I surprised her for our anniversary - she was in Denver, I was in Portland. I took off work, flew to Denver and surprised her, When she opened the door, she said, "Hi" in the cutest way, and smiled really big at the same time.

I got off the phone, showed them around the ward a bit, then went and got dinner. I ate in my room so we could talk in private. I ate and we talked. We didn't talk about much besides how I was doing here in the hospital. It was good to see them.

After they left, I was very tired and fell asleep with the lights on. Someone came in to check on me and turned off the lights for me. Around 9pm, a nurse came in and woke me up for my nighttime meds. At that point, my "meds" were just my hormones. Today they started me on an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin. The doc told me it should help with the depression, make me a little more energetic and that it had a low risk of side effects, especially regarding appetite/weight gain. Good, because I sure don't need to gain anymore weight.

After the meds, I went back to sleep. I didn't sleep very well -- it wasn't because of my emotions -- it was because I was physically uncomfortable. The beds here are wood-framed and the mattresses are thin. I could feed the bed frame underneath the mattress.

I awoke to the announcement over the PA that breakfast is here. I got dressed, wet my hair and combed it a bit, and went out for breakfast. Apparently, they didn't get my menu selections, so I guess I will have another day of unknown food coming at me.

After breakfast, I took a shower. This is the first shower I'd taken since being here at the ward. The shower felt great -- I was even using my shampoo and soap from home -- Mel had brought them to me with a bunch of clothes the previous night.

After I got out of the shower I found out there weren't any towels in the shower room. WTF? I dried myself with my dirty shirt, got dressed and went to my room to shave (they let Mel bring me an electric razor) and brush my hair.

I cleaned up a bit when my counselor for today, Kasey, came in to talk with me. We had a nice chat and she helped me see some things I hadn't seen before. I am truly thankful to her. Hopefully one day she will read this and understand how much our conversation meant to me.

After out chat, we had our group meetings. The first one was again on how to use your "wise mind" -- this time with a different counselor and without the stress on anger.

The second meeting was sort of a free-for-all where we could talk about whatever we wanted. The third meeting was about creating a "safety plan" -- a written page on what we need to do in time of crisis.

After the groups it was lunch time. Just as the food was coming out, I got a phone call from D, a friend in L.A.. She is great - we'd been talking via e-mail for awhile so she knew some of what I was going through. I filled her in on the rest.

I ate lunch -- this time they had my menu problem sorted out -- and then called Melissa. We talked a bit about me coming home. She said that it was OK with her and her mom if I came home for a few days. That is a Good Thing(tm).

I wanted to schedule counseling for us all with my social worker, Kathleen. When Kathleen came back from her lunch break she blew me off and said she couldn't talk right then.

When I had Mel on the phone, she surprised me by saying she misses me. I thought she wanted me gone?

After lunch, I went to another group meeting -- this time it was "med education". My med nurse Karen taught the class. Basically, it introduced us to various psychotropic" drugs, including anti-depressants, mood-altering, anti-psychotics and stimulants. Karen was very good at explaining everything in layman's terms, so we didn't have any questions as to what was being said.

After med class, I was taken aside by my social worker, Kathleen. She said that she had talked with Mel on the phone. I was impressed. To be honest, I was pissed at her when she blew me off before -- I mean, I had Mel on the phone with tears streaming down my face when I approached her. At this meeting however, my thoughts about her were completely flipped around.

She told me something that I had _no idea_ about -- Melissa doesn't believe I'm a transsexual. Yup. You heard that correctly. My jaw dropped, and Kathleen also couldn't believe it. Apparently, Mel thinks I just like to crossdress. To crossdress for sexual pleasure.

This might get a little personal, but I think it needs to be said:

See, I do like to have sexual contact while I'm crossdressed -- to me, I am being a woman, enjoying sex as a woman would. I've never liked my "parts" -- I have always wished, prayed, hoped and dreamed that I could wake up one day and I'd be "fixed." So, I could see how Mel thinks that. Looking at my activities from an outsider's point of view, I could understand how she feels this way.

But it is WRONG. I am not a crossdresser. I've had these feelings that I've been the wrong gender since about age 5. At age 7, I was taken to counseling for these gender issues. I seriously doubt that I (or any other 5-7 year old child) would or could derive sexual pleasure from crossdressing or wishing to be another gender.

Oh well, enough on that topic.

After the meeting, Kathleen gave me the phone number of a place called the "Gender Identity Center of Colorado." I called them and left a message about getting counseling for both Mel and I. Hopefully they will call back and Mel and I can get some counseling on this topic.

After meeting with Kathleen, I went outside for a "patio break" as they're called here. They actually use these breaks (and also "smoke breaks" for smokers) as a kind of leverage to make people go to (and stay awake in) group meetings. They are the only times we are allowed outside.There are only two patio breaks during the day, and three smoke breaks. I like to go outside even during the smoke breaks. I don't smoke, but going outside is a Good Thing(tm) for me. It helps me take my mind off my whole situation. I also get to chat with the others out there.

I've met a lot of interesting people here. Most of them are just normal people who're in a slump. There are a few here that are mentally unstable or are mentally retarded. I was in a "problem solving skills" class yesterday with one of the retarded people. She's nice, really, but very abrupt, very prone to just say what's on her mind (who farted? you could at least say excuse me!) Sometimes she says things that are incomprehensible, other times she asks the same question repeatedly, "Why is your hair pink?" "Do you know your hair is pink?" "Why did you do that to your hair?"

After the smoke break we have quiet time. During quiet time I met with a nutritionist. I explained to her my eating habits, and then we went over a good diet for me to follow to help lose some weight. She was very nice -- she even came to my room to give me a handout she had accidentally left in her office.

This brings me to now. It is 4pm and I'm in my room writing out my blog entry. I have pretty much related all that's happened to me today, and we have another hour of "quiet time." I will probably take an hour's nap, as dinner isn't until 5pm.

Mel said she would come visit me during visiting hours tonight, so I look forward to seeing her. Last night, I gave her seven hand-written pages similar to this one. She promised she would type them up and add them to my blog for me so my friends will know what's going on. Obviously, I would like to talk to them in person on the phone, but at least the people that can't afford a huge long distance bill will hear what's going on with me - in my own words.

OK, it's nap time.

Well, I am in a mental hospital. Not really a mental hospital -- a "psych ward" of a hospital. I would never have thought that I would end up in one -- I mean, only "crazy" people end up in places like this, right? Like in the movies, when they're in straight jackets and rubber rooms, right?

It's not like that here at all. It is more like a hotel where you get to meet and talk with the fellow guests. It's really not bad at all -- everyone here has been uber-helpful and very accepting of my TS-edness. If only Mel could be too.

Well, here is how I ended up here in the psych ward:

We got home from our MN trip. The router at home had to be rebooted, but once it was, we were back online. I was surfing, making MP3s from some CDs that I had. Mel and Bonnie went out to take the cat maze and other various objects to Rachel, Mel's youngest sister.

When they got home, Mel came into the office and said we needed to have another of our Talks(tm). So, I head out into the living room, get a glass of water and sit down.

Mel tells me several things: that we have been "distanced" from each other -- which is something I knew. One of our previous Talks(tm) was on that subject. That she needs some time alone to think about our situation. When she said this, I was thinking that, OK, we won't sleep together anymore -- that I would sleep on the couch or something. The third thing that she wanted was for me to move out. Right then. This is the trigger that blew my mind -- a sort of "last straw" for me. Currently, I am unemployed, I have no money. I asked her where she expected me to go. Her answer was "a friend's place." Problem with that is I don't have any friends or family in the area. When I brought that up, she said, "stay with your friends in DC." Umm, yeah. Riiiight. I don't even have enough money to get gas to go to DC.

So, I made a frozen Lean Cuisine dinner, went back to my computer and write her a "suicide note" e-mail -- basically, I told her all the information to access my online accounts, e-mail, bank accounts, etc. I told her to _NOT_ pay any of my creditors because legally she didn't have to (thanks Angie for that tip!). I also told her that I would love her forever. All of this while I was bawling my eyes out.

I went to the stairs and called for Mel. After a few minutes she came to the stairwell and looked up at me. She was talking to someone on the cordless phone. I looked down at her from the kitchen. I looked right in her eyes and said, "I love you. Goodbye. Check your e-mail."

Her response was, "I love you, too." I went out to the car and took off for Best Buy. I cried all the way there, having suicidal thoughts. I returned a few things I had bought there (needed at least a bit of money for gas) after wiping my tears away. I then went home.

When I got home, a Thornton Police car was sitting out in front of the house. I got out of my car. The police officer got out of his too and approached me. I didn't really know what was going on, but when he asked me if my name was Erin, it all just kind of clicked.

The officer and I talked a bit outside. He asked if I was OK. He asked what happened. I related the story to him and we walked up to the door. We stood at the front door looking into the house. I could see Mel and Bonnie sitting at the dining room table, crying and hugging each other. The officer pointed in and said something to the effect of, "see what you did to them?" I was truly crushed.

We knocked on the door, Bonnie answered the door and was surprised to see me there. We both came in, and the officer talked with us all there. He said that because I requested help, he would call an ambulance. He also made me empty my pockets on the dining room hutch.

Then the ambulance arrived. Then the fire truck. Then the second ambulance. Our whole street was lit up like a Christmas tree with all the strobes. Ben, an EMT, came in and started talking to me. I think he was relieved that I wasn't physically injured. I went out to the ambulance and Ben strapped me into gurney. We rode all the way out to Brighton where the ER there wasn't on "advisory."

Once there, I talked with a few nurses, and then a doctor. The doctor called in an emergency psychologist. She didn't get there until 11pm.

After talking with her, she suggested that I be admitted to a hospital and be put on "hold" -- a position that I never heard of before. Basically, being on hold means that if I leave the hospital, the police would come looking for me because I would be a danger to myself.

After the psychologist left, I had a _pounding_ headache. I drank lots of water (there was a sink in my ER booth) to help alleviate it, but it just wasn't working. I finally had to ask for some Tylenol.

When I asked, because I was on suicide watch, they had to check my blood Tylenol before they would give me any. They ran the lab tests and more than an hour later, they ended up giving me Motrin. WTF?

After taking the Motrin, my head hurt so bad I was dizzy. I turned the booth's light out and lay down on the bed there.

By this time, it was after 1am and I was pretty exhausted from all the stress. I dozed off, only to be woken several times by nurses asking if I had all of my personal possessions (I did), and to sign some forms.

Around 2am, I was awoken again. This time they were ready to send me to Porter Adventist Hospital. I got my shoes and coat on, thanked the nurses for their fine care, and hopped the ride to Porter.

Once at Porter, they took all of my vitals again. They also took a Polaroid photo of me. Argh, I'd hate to see what I looked like after all that crying.

The nurse took me into an interview room and asked me a lot of questions -- was I hearing voices, did I feel people were plotting against me, etc. Luckily, I'm not _that_ insane. She also took my shoes and gave me some extra-thick socks.

After filling out numerous forms, she showed me to my room. I had a room with a single bed, a window and a desk. I had a private bathroom, but not a shower. I took off my coat and undressed. While I was undressing, I noticed a camera embedded into the ceiling. I layed down to sleep around 4am.

I awoke to someone entering my room. They wanted to take my blood sugar. It was 6am. Great -- 2 hours of sleep. After the finger-pricking, my blood sugar was 121. I haven't checked it myself, so I didn't know what a "normal" reading was. She said 80-120 is normal, so my score was just fine. After she left, I had just dozed off again when another nurse came in to draw blood. It was 6:30. I told her of my fear of needles. She actually did a good job -- I wasn't nearly as queasy as I was the night before at the previous hospital. I think being half asleep helped with that. That, and the fact that this nurse knew what she was doing -- she "got" me on the first try. The previous hospital's nurse stuck me in my right arm, moved the needle around under my skin ::shiver:: trying to find a vein. When she had done this for a minute or so, she went to my left arm and proceeded to do the same thing until she hit a vein. By this time, I was cold and sweaty and a bit queasy. ::blech, I hate needles:: After the vampire left, I dozed back off again. At 7:30am, and announcement came over the PA system that breakfast was being served. I got dressed and headed out into the common areas.

I met with my counselor -- Mike. He seems like a nice guy. He helped me get acclimated with the procedures of the hospital. Everything here is very regimented -- set on a very strict schedule. Everyday we go through pretty much the same thing, according to the schedule. Breakfast, vital sign check, 15 min break, daily "orientation" meeting, group session, break, group session, break, group session, lunch, break, group session, and then a long break from 2pm-5:30pm. At 5:30 is dinner, then free time, then group session at 7pm. Then we have free time between 8-11:00.

Today's breakfast sucked. I got a pancake, scrambled eggs, and some "peach nectar." I traded my peach for someone's orange juice. I don't normally drink OJ, but I was thirsty. After breakfast, I went to my first group therapy session. I didn't really know what to expect -- all of the group sessions I'd seen before were on TV. You know, the typical: "hi, my name is ____ and I'm ____."

It wasn't really like that. We talked about how to use a "wise mind" -- a concept I had never heard of before. Basically, it was a technique to draw a rational thought process into your head when you're experiencing an overflow of emotions - whether anger or sadness.

The next group session was interrupted by a social worker calling me out to talk to her. She was nice. I gave her a brief overview of my history (for the 5th or 6th time in the past 24 hrs). After talking with me, she decided that she might not be person for my case -- not because of my issues but because of my address. I went back to the group therapy session and basically listened to the others because by that time I had no idea what was going on.

After that session, another social worker -- Kathleen -- took over for the other lady. Kathleen and I went over my history, again. This time we had another counselor there to listen in. Her name is Kasey.

They both were very nice during my retelling -- asking very interesting questions, too. After discussing my future, Kathleen took me to her office where she gave me info about shelters and housing.

After that session it was lunch time. I had an open-faced turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes and gravy -- good stuff.

After lunch, I went to a special kind of group session. This session was to evaluate problem-solving skills. When I went in, there were a bunch of projects sitting on the tables, also there were name badges to go with each project. My seat had a greeting card at it, as well as a "sample" greeting card. Basically, I was supposed to follow a copy of directions to re-create the card. As I was looking at it, thinking I did something like this in Cub Scouts when I was 8, the lady who ran the meeting asked if I had done stenciling before. Why, yes, I have. She looked a little sad. She said she wanted to give me another project because I had experience stenciling.

So, she handed me a leather disc, maybe 3 inches diameter, with holes punched in it. She also gave me a tray of beads and a leather strip. The goal was to make a keychain like the sample in front of me. I started working right away without ever reading the directions. I didn't want to tell her this too reminded me of a Cub Scout project. I finished my project way before the others. I mean, it was very simple. The instructor let me go from the class early because I had finished so early. I guess she marked down that my problem-solving skills were OK.

After my class, I worked with the medication nurse to make sure I would get my hormone pills. I told her what I was taking, how much and how often. She could find everything but the Progynova. When I told her it was the same as Estradiol, she called the pharmacy and had those sent up. Nice. After going without hormones the previous night and this morning, I was glad to be able to take them again.

I met my psychiatrist today, too. He seemed real pleasant. He didn't have too many questions about my past like the other counselors did. He asked me more of what I want for the future. He also recommended that I use an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin. He even gave me a place that I could get the medication for FREE -- The Stout St. Clinic here in Denver. Nice!

Now we are on our quiet time -- our before dinner break. I have written out this journal entry on paper with a pen because they don't allow computers here, I am just starting my seventh hand-written page. Wow. I am tired, so I am going to take a short nap before dinner.

Visiting hours here are 5pm-7pm, so hopefully Mel can bring me some of the stuff I need - a brush, soap and shampoo, more clothes, etc.

We just made it home. I thought I would post it here so you all would know we made it safely. Here in Denver, it doesn't even look like it snowed -- everything is dry and there isn't even any snow where there was when we left.

I received my patches in the mail while we were gone. I'd been taking oral estrogens (part of my hormone replacement therapy) and had read that oral hormones can damage the liver. So, I ordered "patch" versions instead. They work like the stop-smoking patch and the birth control patch -- you apply it to your body and the drugs enter your bloodstream directly by being absorbed through the skin. This method gets the drugs into your system safely, and bypasses the liver, thus preventing liver damage. Nice.

OK, gotta run -- have a lot of unpacking to do. I will probably post another update later tonight.

_erin